美女作家与放心肉 / Beauty Writer and Safe Meat

Chinese

在我认识的女性里面,有是美女而不是作家的,有是作家而不是美女的,有既不是美女也不是作家的,有既是美女同时也是作家却从来没有被称之为“美女作家”因而终究也算不得“美女作家”的。总之,到目前为止,我还不曾亲眼见过一个大家所说的那种“美女作家”。大家闹哄哄地在谈论着美女作家,看来此种事物应该是有的,我没有见过,那是我的不幸。

我和我的女朋友S常常在一起瞎聊胡侃。她长得非常漂亮而不写作,我写作却相貌平平。是不是我俩结合起来就能塑造出一个“美女作家”?非也。美女作家绝不是美女和作家简单地相加,我和我的朋友S在聊天中得以总结,要想成为美女作家,就要做到以下几点:(1).不管你长得美不美,就是长得难看一点也没关系,你首先要树立起非凡的自信心,要自己先把自己当成美女,摆出美女的架式来,因为美女跟任何商品一样,也是需要创品牌的,牌子只要创出来了,质量不合格也没关系,反正大家都认了你这个美女品牌了,你需要做的只是每天对自己说很多遍“我很美,人人都爱我”。(2)。须使用现代高科技手段和打上各种角度灯光拍摄出一大堆的朦胧艺术照来,把脸上的皱纹和雀斑都想方设法隐了去,要做出风情万种或者酷味十足的样子,让人误以为是妙龄的电影明星或日本艺妓,这样的照片印到书上去是有效的,男读者本来不想买这书的,但看在这照片的份上,被撩拨得最后还是买下来了。(3)要经常谈论一下张爱玲或者杜拉斯,以表示那是自己的鼻祖,要在日常生活中模仿她们的一切,包括衣着、恋爱方式,说话口气,一句话没说完就用上一个句号,还有苍凉的手势之类,要做到以假乱真,让人认为你就是当代的张爱玲或者中国的杜拉斯,那两个卓越的女人又活过来啦。(4)一定要写写个人的性事,虽说做爱这档子事人人都会,连猫狗也会,但是完全放开胆子赤裸裸地什么都不顾地统统写到纸上去的毕竟并不太多,所以谁敢写谁就一定会受到关注。(5)至于写作,别太当回事了,那并不重要。

话说我家附近开了好几家放心肉专卖店,我买肉从不去自由市场,而总是去买“放心肉”,这些放心肉专卖店之间也存在着竞争,于是有一天忽然又冒出一家新的肉店来,名字叫“‘真正的放心肉’专卖店”。又过了几天,我和S一起聊起一本杂志上的文章来,里面说到跟其他女作家相比,某某才是“货真价实的美女作家”,于是S脱口而出“她是真正的放心肉”。

把美女作家跟放心肉放在一起谈论,是有些不恭敬,不过,这也没必要当真,“美女作家”原本就与文学无关,只是供大家免费娱乐的一个话题,因为世界真的是太寂寞了生活真的是太无聊了,人民需要娱乐。

有人看了我这文章会不会生气呢?我想那生气的人只有一种可能,那就是她把自己当了美女作家了,主动找上门来认领了。

English Translation

Among women I know, some are beautiful but are not writers, some are writers but are not beautiful, some are neither, and some are both. Nobody is ever called a “beauty writer” to her face. Therefore, none of them amounts to one. At any rate, up till now, I have not seen even one so-called “beauty writer” whom everybody is talking about. Since beauty writers are the “in-topic” nowadays, something of the kind must exist. It is my own misfortune that I have not seen one.

My girlfriend S and I often gather to chat. She looks gorgeous but she doesn’t write. I write but look plain. Would the combination of us make a “beauty writer”? No so. A beauty writer is not the simple addition of beauty and writer — this much is what S and I have concluded from our chatting. To become a beauty writer, you must do the following things: 1. No matter whether you look beautiful or not — in fact, it matters little if you are unattractive — you must first establish extraordinary self-confidence. Beauty needs to create its own brand name in the way a commercial product does. Once the brand name is created, poor quality is not an issue because everybody believes you as a brand-named beauty. What you need to do every day is no more than saying to yourself: “I am beautiful. Everybody loves me.” I concede it is irreverent to mention beauty writers and safe meat in one sentence. On the other hand, nobody should be serious about it. 2. You must shoot a pile of artistic portraits of yourself — the kind of “misty” art, employing modern high-tech methods and multi-angle lighting. Don’t forget to hide those wrinkles and freckles in any way possible. It also helps if you put on a pose of a thousand teases and of the coolest style, which will cause people to confuse you with a movie star at a tender age or a Japanese geisha. Such a photo will be very effective on a book cover. A male reader invariably will be turned on and buy the book even though he did not plan to initially. 3. You must talk about Eileen Chang or Marguerite Duras often to make it known that you consider them as your foremothers. You should make yourself a copy of them in daily life, including their dresses, their way of love, their manner of speaking, such as putting a period before a sentence is complete, and their desolate hand gestures. If you can confuse the real with the fake, people will believe you are a contemporary Eileen Chang or a Chinese Duras or better yet, you are a reincarnation of these two extraordinary women. 4. You must write about your sex life. Even though everybody knows how to have sex, including cats and dogs, there are, after all, not many who would dare to put it on paper out-and-out and with abandon. Those who do are guaranteed attention. 5. As for writing itself, don’t take it seriously; it is not that important.

Now it has just happened that several shops specializing in safe meat are open for business in my neighborhood. I never buy meat at farmers market because I want only “safe meat.” As there is bound to be competition among these safe meat shops, there appears one day a new shop calling itself “Super Safe Meat Shop.” A couple of days later, my friend S and I chatted about an article in certain journal. It argues that a Jane Doe is a “genuine brand name” beauty writer in comparison with other women writers, which prompted S to say “she is super safe meat.”

I concede it is irreverent to mention beauty writers and safe meat in one sentence. On the other hand, nobody should be serious about it. Whatever is the origin of “Beauty Writer,” it has nothing to do with literature; it is a topic to serve as free entertainment, for the world is a lonesome place and life is boring and people need entertainment.

Will somebody feel offended after reading my article? There is only one possibility, which is to say that a self-identified beauty writer has come to my door to find her own worth.

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